Thursday, June 22, 2017

Flip Flop

For the last two weeks I have had trouble starting my car. I'd be running late, rushing to get my daughter to school, my partner already long gone to her job.
Click.
Click click click click click.
"Fuck it."
Click.
"Right mushroom, we're riding our bikes to school today."
"But I don't want to ride my bike daddy, I'm tired."
"I understand pumpkin, but my car is being naughty. It won't start."
Sometimes it did. And sometimes it didn't. For a while it started four, maybe five times in a row. I got careless. I got greedy. I got over confident. I did a big shop at the nearest mall, some three  kilometers from our house.
I don't like to bother my partner, who's always busy with some major project, but I do reluctantly call her  when I have no other option. 
"I can't. I really can't. I've got meetings though to 6pm."
"But the sorbet's melting. And the fish will go off."
"I'm sorry. Maybe you can catch a bus?"
We went back that night. Eventually after numerous tries we managed to start it with jumpers.
But the next morning - a cold clear morning with the first crisp notes of winter in the air, it wouldn't start. And so it went on all of last week, and this one. Sometimes I had to ask the neighbours for help, sometimes perfect strangers.
I saw mechanic after mechanic. Their diagnoses were, to say the least, ambiguous.
"Well your alternator is charging" said one, "it might be the battery, but its hard to tell with these modern sealed batteries."
"Nope mate" said another, "its your started motor. Its sticking. Could be the battery as well. I cant say til' you book it in and we can have a proper look."
"Can you give me a rough idea of what it could cost"
"Mate minimum labour charge is just 260 and 80 an hour after that. If its the battery and the starter then parts will cost you aound 700. Plus GST on that."
"And how many hours do you guestimate?"
"To get the starter motor out is  big job.... have to remove the heat shield, and if the flex plate or flywheel have damaged teeth I'll have to remove the transmission - I'd say 6 to 8 hours."
I was unemployed at the time. Still am as a matter of fact. The car itself was a third hand one I'd picked up for a few thousand shekels. It had looked sparkly and new in the used car lot. I couldn't believe it had done over a hundred thousand kilometers. It seemed to drive fine. The honeymoon lasted two months. Then the horn suddenly stopped working. Soon afterwards the switch for the driver's electric window popped out of its slot and would not go back in. And then the trouble with starting began.
I decided to wait with the repairs. Maybe the car would miraculously cure itself.
But it didn't.
I never knew if I was going to be stuck at my destination or not. I'd take the dogs for a walk at a favourite park, and then, because the car wouldn't start, have to walk home with them - a 40 minute exercise of getting them out of other people's gardens, dawdling, sniffing, wrestling junk food packaging from their mouths that people had carelessly thrown down on the pavement.
Living with the uncertainty took its toll.
I began drinking heavily. I took ice, cocaine, steroids, vitamin pills, heroin, ecstacy , uppers, downers and diaganols. I began eating junk food obsessively, something I had not done for twenty years.
I put on 70 kilos. My joints ached. I had mysterious shooting pains down my right leg. My xcma flared up fom nowhere, and I went though tubes of cortisone cream tying to stop scratching the red and angry skin on my flabby belly. My doctor said she could find nothing wrong with my joints and that I should stop coming to see her every four days. I became suicidal. I didn't form an actual plan but I thought I and everyone around me would be better off.
I ignored my partner or snapped at her. I sat staring at the wall, my brain a heavy mush.
"Sorry sweetpea" I told our daughter, "I'm not feeling very well, maybe you can just play on you tablet instead."
I ignored the dishes in the sink. I avoided looking at the laundy in the laundry basket. The dogs didn't get walked. Other than my partner calling to check in on me my phone never rang, but if it had I wouldn't have answered it.
The days were gray and the nights filled with sleepless worry. I lay in bed next to my snoring partner,  seeing the last of our savings being spent on buying another car. I saw endless hassles tying to sell the lemon I had bought. I wouldn't even get half of what I'd paid for it. I was good at spending money but useless at making it. I imagined being car-less and having to use public transport. Visions of long waits at bus stops or trudging home from another failed job-interview pursued me. This was the beginning of the end. I should never have bought that car. Just one more proof of my incompetency. Scenting weakness, the sellers had taken advantage of me. Story of my life.
"Why don't you speak to Grant" said my counsellor, who I saw off and on, "he's my auto electrician. He's honest."
I went to see Grant. I had nothing left to lose.
"Its your battery" he said, "definitely. Just start the engine again please sir, and rev it a few times.
Yes, no doubt about it. Your starter motor's fine. Its all good. I can fit the battery right now."
One hundred and fifty shekels. That was all. And when I tuned the key the car immediately and obediently shuddered into life. And with it I too shuddered back into life. In that moment a huge burden was taken off my shoulders. I noticed that the sky was blue. Even though it was an industrial area I heard some birdsong. I looked at Grant with adoring puppy eyes and silently wished him a long and blessed life.
As I drove home, wind blowing in my thinning hair, the audio belting out some good times music, I felt reborn. What  a difference a heavy plastic box about 25X10X15cms could make. New energy. New flow. Possibility. To go to wherever I needed to go. It was a simple as that.  I was in motion again, empowered, free to find work and get my life in order
"I'll fetch you from school" I texted my daughter, "how about we take the dogs to Goloolies farm, and get some yummy pancakes there."
And on the way I stopped to get some flowers for my wife. I was maxing out the credit card but who cared? The future was rosy.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Our new toilet

Not to shabby eh Nige?

video

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Video Installation

video

Ten alternative facts about chickens


1) chickens are descended from tyrannosaurus rex

2) Young chickens, called chicks, hatch from eggs

3) the chicks feed on their mother's milk during the first few hours after hatching. Because mature hens have only one mammary gland ( chicken breast) which is difficult to find, competition​ to feed can be fierce, and the chicks will sometimes eat each other alive, to get rid of their siblings

4) Chickens, like the fish they eat, can actually count


6)) When angry, a chicken will count to ten


7) The flesh of chickens may be brown or white, but never both in the same bird, largely due to archaic segregation laws 


8) chickens have thighs, but no calves


9) some chickens are male, but the vast majority are female. In rare instances a chicken may self pollinate 


10) chickens tend to think on their feet


Please send any more facts you have on these fascinating amphibians so we can add them to our data base. Thank you

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Crime and nourishment


Has anyone tried making yoghurt, cheese, ice-cream, quiches, cream, butter and custard using human breast milk? For those of us who find it extremely difficult to kick the dairy habit, because it is associated with nurture and satiation, human breast milk might be the ideal solution. It can be produced without cruelty, and is specifically designed for human beings (as opposed to cow's milk, which is not.)

Establishing a market for human milk might help mothers both in the developing and over developed world create an income stream ( forgive the association) for themselves at a time when they cannot do other work. While at first the idea may seem as strange as a baby sucking on her mother's breast instead of being fed formula from a bottle, a little pause for reflection can take the edge of the newness of the concept.

There are approximately 2 billion women of reproductive age on the planet. If only a small percentage of these are lactating at any one time, and if only a small percentage of that number were willing to sell some of their milk, their could still be enough for Jews to have their cheesecake at Shavuot, Christians to have their eggnog at Christmas, Hindus to have their Gulub Jamuns at Holli, Bhuddists to have their erzatz yak butter upon re entering the fifth Bardo, and Moslems to have their Kunafa, Atayef and Luqaimat during Ramadan.


The reduction in methane emissions is likely to be significant, as well as the ending of the peverse treatment of cows and their offspring in contemporary factory farms. In addition there may be some immune system benefits, especially for younger consumers. I see it as a win win solution, and giving new meaning to the phrase "the milk of human kindness."

Coming up from down

Went off anti-depressants about two weeks ago. Had cut down from 20mg of Lexipro daily to 10 mg every two days and then just decided to stop....or it was decided....

About four days after quitting began to  feel mushy headed, stoned, light headed, euphoric, on occasion very sleepy, stoned again, giggly, hyperverbal, stoned again, funny, odd, and stoned (as in the effect of marijuana) during my waking hours. Most of the feelings have been very or slightly pleasant. On the whole have been quite energised, but on one day and a few hours here and there have experienced  complete heavy immobility with associated hopelessnes and absence of motivation to do anything. Stoned includes a feeling of disconnect from my body, pleasant pressure/ non pressure / in my skull and around / behind my eyes, a cloudyness where my brain normally is (but normally I would not have any sensations there, or would not be giving any attention to those sensations, i.e no call from there for attention) sluggishness, discombobulation, head - body separation (with the 'different' feelings seemingly mainly in the area of my skull. No rush for this phase to be over, but interesting how long the changes in my brain's neurochemistry are continuing....will this go on for several weeks?  

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Fill your garden with Papaya, Pomegranate and Passion Fruit

Just a little green sells organically grown papaya and pomegranate fruit trees, as well as passion fruit vines. We advise you on how and where and when to replant the trees, and also offer on-site visits for general help and advice with organic gardening.

Our trees are grown from seed, not grafted, so have a great deal of genetic variability. Raised with love, and fed with chook and earthworm poo, kindly donated by our chooks and earthworms. Prices start from $15.00 up to $150, depending on size of tree and/or container. Height varies from 10cms to over 1.5 metres.


Papaya and pomegranate fruit has many spectacular health benefits. Papaya has strong antioxidant properties which may help reduce the risk of many diseases, especially the ones that tend to come with age, such as heart disease and cancer. Research suggests that the lycopene in papaya can reduce cancer risk. It may also be beneficial for people who are being treated for cancer. Papaya's cancer-fighting ability appears to be due to its ability to reduce free radicals that contribute to cancer development and progression. Papayas are also very high in carotenoids that can reduce inflammation

There are two unique substances in pomegranates that are responsible for most of their health benefits. Punicalagins are extremely powerful antioxidants found in the juice and peel of the fruit. Pomegranate juice has been found to have three times the antioxidant activity of red wine and green tea. Laboratory studies have shown that pomegranate extract can slow down cancer cell reproduction, and even induce apoptosis (cell death) in cancer cells. There is preliminary evidence that pomegranate juice can be useful in men with prostate cancer, potentially inhibiting cancer growth and lowering the risk of a premature death. Men whose PSA levels double in a short period are at increased risk of death from prostate cancer. A human study found that 237 ml of pomegranate juice per day increased the PSA doubling time from 15 months to 54 months. Punicic acid, also known as pomegranate seed oil, is the main fatty acid in the pomegranate seeds. It reduces the chronic inflammation associated with many diseases including heart disease, cancer, type 2 diabetes, Alzheimer's and obesity. In addition, regular intake of pomegranate juice has been shown to lower blood pressure levels in as little as 2 weeks.


Papayas and Pomegranates

  • Small - between 10 and 20 cms - one for $25, four for $95.00
  • Medium - between 21 and 45cms - one for $40.00 four for $140.00
  • Large - between 45 and 90cms - one for $70, four for $250
  • Extra-large - between 90 and 150 cms - $160 per tree, or four for $550










Passion Fruit

  • Small – up to 20 cms - $15.00
  • Large – more than 20cms - $20.00
  • X large – more than 70cms - $30.00











Trees are available for viewing and pickup in Matraville, in the Eastern suburbs of Sydney. If you are taking several larger trees, you might need a ute, SUV, or trailer, and someone strong to help you lift them. Alternatively, delivery can be arranged for a small fee.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Chirbet Chizah

Chirbet Chizah, Hebrew: חִרְבֶּת חִזְעָה) is a novella by Israeli writer S. Yizhar (Yizhar Smolenski).S. Yizhar is arguably the greatest Hebrew writer to have emerged since 1948, and his thousand page plus stream of consciousness novel Yemei Tzekleg (1958) is regarded as a clasic which has influenced many famous Israeli writers, including Amos Oz and David Grossman.
Chirbat Chizah was published in 1949, and deals with the expulsion of Arabs from the fictional village of Chirbet Chiz'ah. 

The story was later made into a 1978 TV drama on Israeli Channel 1, and sparked a public debate in Israel on whether it should be broadcast or not.Early in 1977, director Ram Levi persuaded the Israel Broadcasting Authority to sponsor a made-for-television movie of the novella, and filming got underway by spring. During filming, on May 17, Menachem Begin's Likud came to power. When the film was supposed to air, in January 1978, the government postponed the broadcast; but when the new air date neared, the new education minister, Zevulun Hammer of the National Religious Party, cancelled the broadcast altogether. All hell broke loose. Opposing the ban on "Chirbet Chizah," MK Yossi Sarid declared that "the flag of freedom of speech in Israel has been lowered to half-mast; it's going to take a lot to hoist it back up again."

Supporting the ban, journalist Tommy Lapid (father of Yair Lapid, who today leads Israel's Yesh Atid political party) who a quarter of century later would become justice minister, wrote that, "even if the Fatah Information Bureau were headed by a genius, he couldn't have come up with a better one than this. And even if Goebbels were directing Arab propaganda efforts, they couldn't have had greater success. And even if a fifth column were operating in our television studios, they couldn't have performed a better service to aid the enemies of our state."

In Lapid's scorched-earth prose, Yizhar was a Nazi propagandist. In Sarid's acerbic oratory, Hammer was a book-burner. Even among less incendiary pundits, "Chirbet Chizeh" had become a partisan matter. There were many reasons why this was so. For one thing, the story's 1978 television audience was different from what its readership had been in 1949. Then Yizhar's readers had just scraped through the 1948 war, absorbing the ample tragedy it was for Israeli's ( 1% of Israel's population was lost during the war, equivalent to the UK going to war today and losing 600 000 lives) and for Arabs.
Director: Ram Levi, 1978, Hebrew with Hebrew subtitles, and, amongst other actors, a still young Gidi Gov.

(Most, but not all, of the above notes comes from Zochrot, an Israeli NPO that is so self flagellatory I will not share the link to it....its easy enough to find, if you're thus inclined.) Watch the film on YouTuve via the link below

Samech Yizhar Chirbet Chizah

A Soldier's Story & Pinkas Sheyrut

Been rereading two inspiring autobiographies: The first, called "Story of a Soldier" is by Raphael Eytan (Raful) z"l, who was the chief of staff of the IDF during the 1982 Lebanese war, and head of Northern command during the 1973 Yom Kippur war, when Egypt and Syria invaded Israel in a massive surprise attack, and were only repulsed after enormous Israeli losses.

The other is by Yitzchak Rabin, z"l, and is called simply "service book". It was published in 1979 by Maariv, and chronicles his early life, military service, and transition into politics. I found his description of the tense period before the six day war of 1967 particularly revealing, in particular his own loneliness and anxiety as the burden of responsibility to make the decisions that would save Israel rested largely on his shoulders. ( At that time he was Chief of Staff of the IDF.) At that time Egypt was amassing huge forces in the Sinai along Israel's border, and Syria was doing the same in the North, in the Golan heights. There was a real possibility that the Soviet Union, which had been equipping and training both the Syrian and Egyptian armies, would get involved in the attacks on Israel.
 

Israel found itself alone and isolated on the international stage. Because of in fighting between supporters of Levi Eshkol (the Prime Minister) and David Ben Gurion (ex prime minister) the political echelons were not fully functioning, which increased the burden on Rabin. When Egypt closed the straights of Tiran, thus preventing fuel and other supplies from reaching Israel, it was clear Israel would have to act. But first the goverment decided to send Abba Eban (foreign minister) to London, Paris and to Washington to meet with Lyndon Johnson, to see if an American guarantee to open the straights could be obtained, and a promise to intervene should Egypt and Syria invade Israel. This meant delaying a preemptive military strike - and Rabin was well aware that with every passing day the Egyptian forces were more of a threat. On May 25 1967 Rabin collapsed - partly as a result of exhaustion, partly from extreme anxiety, partly from nicotine poisoning...he had chain smoked his way through the endless meetings with the security cabinet and chiefs of staff. 

To be continued....

It aint fair

Me: I'm sorry, I hate this as much as you do
Shirt: Please don't
Me: I'm sorry, but you're filthy
Shirt: Just one more chance
Me: I hear you, and normally I'd agree, but the tomato source stain on your pocket ...
Shirt: It's not my fault you've started dribbling
Me: True. [pause] look I'll cut you a deal. I'll put you in with the delicates
Shirt: You've only worn me nine times
Me: But its been very hot, and the potting soil stuck to the sweaty bits.
Shirt: You wore the blue T two weeks in a row...
Me: That was in spring
Shirt. I'm so threadbare...another wash might finish me off.
Me: Don't make me feel any more guilty than I already do
Shirt: Those detergents....full of nasty poisonous chemicals. I can't breathe.
Me: You'll be fine. I'll look after you
Shirt: You've had something against me since you bought me. Is it because I'm white?
Me: Don't be ridiculous
Shirt: What is is then?
Me: There's nothing....nothing in general....just that, at the moment
Shirt: Go on
Me: I'm not sure how to say this....look, no offense, but you smell
Shirt: And who made me smell?
Me: It was me, I've never claimed otherwise....
Shirt: You of all people should have compassion
Me: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied....I feel terrible about this (gently placing shirt in wash basket), it'll be over before you know it. Be strong my friend.
Shirt: (muffled from in the wash basket) you bastard.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Poems 2017 - 5777

Equivalencies and adaptabilities

In the first half of my life
I learnt to like eating fish

I learnt to render video
I learnt to play arpeggios very fast and smoothly on the guitar

In the second half of my life
I learnt to render with plaster
I learnt to catch fish
____________
Well why shouldn't I desire
your sweet young body
and it's sweet young ? inhabitant

Hobbies / habbits

Arguing with people I don't know on the internet
eating when I feel lonely or bored


_____________________


Please move to the exit
in an orderly fashion
those of you who are in a fatal car crash or domestic stabbing
may leave now
don't take your popcorn cartons or mobile phones with you

the patrons who are coming in now
and those waiting outside
may be able to make use of them
if you have an aggressive cancer you may make your way to the aisle
and queue there with others from your party
those of you with slow degenerative conditions
remain in your seats or wheelchairs for now 
there is no need to panic
listen to the direction
and all will be well
you will find that
talking to your neighbour helps and
although the cinema is on fire
its flames will not burn the screen

____________

some friends stopped talking to us
so we stopped talking to them
we'd rather die
than admit
we're secretly afraid
there's something wrong with us
_______________

the metaphorical limp
I've carried around
inside me for years
today manifested
as a physical one
_______

this is not the life I imagined for myself
the energy is low
everything seems a hassle
the distances are uncrossable
the sadness deep

I thought we'd go off to shul together
on a Friday night
but instead each one retreats to his room
or electronic device

my circuit grows smaller
from the house to the garage
and back
everything I send out
is swallowed by the silence
enthusiasms toss me about
short lived and fickle
then dissappear
I defeat myself
on a near daily basis
although I fight back
with great cunning and resilience

the world does not seem to want me
or my tinny shrill contribution
my dog still shows a certain affection
and my chickens associate me with food
I try to do my duty by them
and by all
but for how long
how long?
_______________

PROGRESS

Although my son
complains
it interferes with shooting hoops
I find myself 

admiring the way 
the grass is reclaiming the concrete

_____________
I bent down to hear
what G-d has been
whispering in my ear:
sssssshhhhhhhhh
mmmmmmmmmm.....
ah!


__________
3 metaphysical poems

Just as when we were sent to be caned
I wanted to go first
because I could not bear the anticipation
so I want to die to my story
before I die
as the ultimate insurance policy
against the pain
of having everything
taken away from me
so that I might resume
being what I always was
without delay
the Love that has no birth or death
the Love that has no face
that everything arises in
and which we may call gace /
in primordial grace


_________

I love the weekends, I love the week
I love to find, I love to seek
I love the strong, I love the weak
I love the trough, I love the peak

I love the day, I love the night
I love to snuggle, I love to fight
I love the stand, I love the flight
I love what's wrong, I love what's right

I love what's born, I love what dies
I love what laughs, I love what cries
I love what limps, I love what flies
I love routine, I love surprise

I love the suggestion, I love the should / must ought / command

I love what's old, I love what's new


I love the short, I love the long
I love the right, I love the wrong
I love the the silence and the song
I love what's been here all along

I love what loves, I love what hates
for all of them are passing states
are passing states upon  the screen
of That which sees but is not seen
___________________________________

The prime minister in her office
the plumber in the traffic jam
the chicken in her A4 cage
the veal calf in his crate

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu

the nurse assistant cleaning up shit
the cleric trapped in a lie
the elephant with chains on its legs
the widower lost and alone

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu

the athlete taking dope
the anorexic model
the mother of six whose last goat died
the student sitting alone
all people believing their untrue thoughts

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu

haadam vehabeheyma*
habeheyma vehaadam
ki mootar haadam min habehyma ayin

lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu

may all beings in all places
be happy and free
__________
haadam vehabeheyma - the human and the animal, the animal and the human, they share the same destiny, for one is not more than the other , they die the same death and the same life force animates them, for all of manifestation is ephemeral. ( Kohelet / Ecclisiastes 3:19)
כִּי מִקְרֶה בְנֵי הָאָדָם וּמִקְרֶה הַבְּהֵמָה וּמִקְרֶה אֶחָד לָהֶם כְּמוֹת זֶה כֵּן מוֹת זֶה וְרוּחַ אֶחָד לַכֹּל וּמוֹתַר הָאָדָם מִן הַבְּהֵמָה אָיִן כִּי הַכֹּל הָבֶל.

_________________
marketeers are magicians
turning mediocrity into the marvellous
turning the unecessary into the essential
turning mendacity and manipulation into
marketeers don't just sell products
they sell ideas
they sell projects
they sell politicians
they sell wars
they sell selling
they turn a cow bellowing for her stolen calf into a bucolic romance
they turn a drunken driver or a loud staggering overgrown child vomiting in the lift into connection and belonging and good times
they turn comodification into community

______________________
The whole universe is question and answer
the passage of time is question and answer
every satisfying film or piece of theatre
is question and answer
and all great literature
is question and answer
the fifth chord is the question, the root chord is the answer
question is the tension
answer the resolution
every question begets an answer
and every answer the next question
did she escape? did he complete the task?
did peace return to the valley?
the answer needs a question to come into being
the question needs an answer to die
birth is a beautiful question
and death is a beautiful answer


now show me the silence that roars

_______________________________


 because the whole universe is question and answer
but That which has no questions
is That which needs no answers
and is in every question
and is in every answer

_______________________
In hell
the patrons must watch endless cooking shows
listen all daynight to Optus call centre music which has not been changed for 50 years
write novel-length self reflective journals to achieve professional development points despite being in the plumbing trade
and wish each other "have a good day"
before disembowelling their victim

_________________________ 

Decision making process when reading reader's reactive comments to issues I care about

resistance creates heat
and sometimes heat is useful
in the right conditions
the thinnest of filaments can light up the world
but if you are air
the knife will pass right through you

_____________________

resistance is the arm that wants to knock the arm
of the dentist away when it gets close to the root. So too
the client might make a off-handed remark or joke
or pick a fight with the therapist
when certain topics are touched upon
because they are getting close to the source of anxiety and the root of the problem.
(do problems have roots, certainly they seem to branch out, can problems be taught to turn sticky sap
into air?)


resistance creates heat
and sometimes heat is useful
in the right conditions
the thinnest of filaments can light up the world


but if you are air
the knife will pass right through you
 

___________

Calmer/ Midah keneged midah

At day break I give the chickens food
and shoo the pigeons away
and at dusk G-d will give some body a soul
and shoo this one's away
_______________

The ground is pushing up at me
The sky's a cloud grey dome
my thoughts are always with me so
I've never been alone

If I can jump into that sea
where thought was never seen
my heavy head will gently bob
upon its waves of being
If I can jump into that sea
where thoughts just come and go
the waves will take me where they will
and there by grace I'll go
________________

The ground is pushing up at me
The sky's a cloud grey dome
my thoughts always accompany
I've never been alone

If I can find a verdant isle
where thought was never seen
I'll gently lay my heavy head
upon the lap of being
___________

__________
I see a headless rider
upon a nameless horse
ambling down
a weed-green road
 

they forded the river a little while back
maybe five minutes or a year ago
nothing pursues or beckons them
stopping whenever to browse or stretch
if anything moves it is the
road 
 

the rooted trees
float like clouds
and in the nearness
you can hear
the roar 

of one leaf
clapping / applauding


__________________
I like redemption
to be served

in bite sized chunks
on a pretty plate
with sugar sprinkles

leave
the seemingly undifferentiated
indigestible mass
of raw overwhelm
and complexity
in the kitchen

put it in a black plastic bag

in the rubbish bin out back
hopefully from there
the fumes will never reach me


_______________________

In the middle of my life
I found myself in a barren desert
admittedly of my own making
but nevertheless
a rocky and arid desert
my limbs grew heavy
my tongue swole
but like a lizard
that clings to the under rock
I clung to life
waiting for
the night's dew



___________________

Once there was a sunny land
where people's shadows had all been banned
and tho they smiled brightly, and the skies were blue
Darker and darker this land of light grew
_____________

_
In praise of inertness
______________
On death row with no escape
She smuggled me out beneath her cape
And when I could neither croak or sing
The Eternal gave me her wedding ring
_________________

Pornology

I love women's bodies
I love their big heavy
transverse colon
and their soft wet
mucous membranes
I love the way their long
mediastinal nodes
hang down
I love the mysterious folds
of their cerebrum
and the petite modesty
of their pancreatic notch
I love their phagocytes and their leukocytes
so please don't be too harsh on me
should you find me gazing 

wistfully
at a plate in Gray's 

anatomy


________
When our descent begins
we try to mange it well
so that like a precision skydriver
we can land neatly and gracefully
in a small rectangular target area
about the size of a grave
_________

Like a precision skydriver
we try to manage our descent
well
so that we can land neatly
and gracefully
in a small rectangular target
about the size of a grave

______________

Rachashei HaLev*

Do not defend against that ache
let it in, and let your heart break__________

* Hebrew - the murmurings, stirrings, of the heart
______________

I've done what I did, I do what I do
if I had some money I'd give it to you
__________

I love women's bodies
I love their big heavy
transverse colon
and their soft wet
mucous membranes
I love the way their long
Mediastinal nodes
hang down
I love the mysterious folds
of their cerebrum
and the petite modesty
of the pancreatic notch
I love their phagocytes and their leukocytes
so please don't be too harsh on me
when you find me gazing wistfully
at a page of Gray's anatomy

_____________
 
Because the cow
does not look at me
from under the table
with her big brown eyes
I feed her bones
to my dog

________________

The vagina is a mysterious place
lips it has, and yet no face
___________________________

People are looking for redemption
In the supermarket aisle
This one will make me thin
This one will make us smile
This one will keep the children happy for an hour or two
Below the line advertising agencies know this well
and offer us small redemptions
in bite sized chunks:

"25% of your daily iron needs"


_______________________

All night long
A wounded bird
Has been lying in my heart 

____________________________

My heart is ready to burst
like a rotting sack
filled with fertile soil
that can hardly wait
for things to start growing from it
_________________

There are two kinds of people in this world:
Givers and receivers
Both are absolutely necessary
And both of them are you
__________________________

Now that it is impossible to get lost
We don't have the pleasure of finding our way
Now that the fingertips are more and more replacing the arm and shoulder
We have to look down where before we could feel our way...

________

Out of Sight

Because the cow
does not look at me
from under the table
with her big brown eyes
I leave her to dangle
in the abbatoir
and feed her bones
to my dog

_______________________

I am so blinded
By the beauty of the creations
That when they are disappearing
I begin to doubt
The beauty of the creator
______________________

When you've a puppy's body you bounce around
And as strength gathers in it you go out on the town
A few years pass and things slow down
A few years more and they lay it in the ground
_____________________________

The ocean depths they call to me
I chant the hymns of the galaxy
our pleasure and our misery
each one an axe that sets us free

the earthworms and the battery hen
the kindest and the cruelest men
beyond the mask/ pall of suffering
I bow to the eternal ringhear the still ______________ sing

I hope / long to hear the untouched sing
__________________

Farenheit 451

( the temperature at which
longing condenses
on the walls of the heart )

smouldering hair

its ululating waves
piercing my kidneys
laughter
like helium balloons
a face
full of moonlight


for you I come back into my body

____________________________

Uncaged


Uncle Dick
with plutonium rods up his arse
 

had a torrid time of it
on the medical
 

not so merry
go round
 

test
after
 

test
confirmed he was
 

dying
with many afflictions
 

but not because of
any one of them
 

at night obscure terms
specialists afflicted him with
 

rattled themselves
around his brain
 

until sleep came
at 4am
 

in front of the television 
sprawled on the floor
 

waking bleary blurry
a pool of drool
 

gathered at his chin

eventually having to communicate
 

via stethoscope 

he grew weaker and irrelevant
 

lighter and lighter

like a bird-beak his nose

protruding from sunken cheeks
and it was a great release

when his memory mind 

and body


flew their separate ways 
______________

Don't keep jail's, abbatoirs,
psychiatric hospitals, factory farms, locked alzheimer's wards, women's shelters and cemeteries
on the edges of your heart
build them in its centre
in plain view
so that one hand may know what the
other is doing
and have nowhere
and no need
to hide

_____________

Melinda Ferguson posted this about an adiction of hers, and in response my pastiche:

"So here's a story about a girl who stopped smoking for ten years. She was the happiest ex smoker in the world. One day she packed her house to move to Cape Town. She felt overwhelmed by the chaos of boxes and claustrophobic disorder and new heart Love palpitations. She decided to take a drag . Not of a yucky smelly cigarette but of a sleek cigar. Two years later, she was smoking between 3-5 cigars a day, everyday , day and night ...from as early as 5am to when she went to bed. She tried to stop. She began to cough . But still she carried on. In between she had written a book in which she swore she would never smoke again. She felt ashamed . She smoked. And coughed. Three days ago I stopped for the umpteenth time in 2 years. I am struggling 🙄I am really trying to do the just for today on this, Just for this minute just for this hour on this thing. Jeez this demon is a Fucking viper. But just for today I am clean. Again . Sigh .

So this is me ...emerging from many many moons of Denial, lies, bargaining , smoke , denial , lies , bargaining, smoke. The thing that's been so hard about this is that I thought I had the whole "giving up thing " tapped. FFS I have kicked smack, crack, weed, booze, mood stabilizers and other pharma whore products . I conned myself that cigars aren't really smoking , but I've watched myself get more and more lost in the smoke over the last two years. I guess when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired , there's opportunity to change . I am terrified to say I've stopped cos I've told myself this countless times. I'm three days in. I feel much better , smell much better , taste much better ...now I just got to collect the hours like I did when I got clean all those years ago. Thanks for the love and support my FB friendies sorry if I've been a bitch to any of you ...I don't mean it "


I'm still crafting my response but this is what arose in the park:

i swore to myself / i would quit breasts / and the eyes of their owners / but after a period / of not finding work / feelng disconnected and irrelevant / i began sucking on breasts again , once every two months / then monthly / then sometimes, wghen i could afford a fix ( and I could never afford it ) even weekly. my mouth began to reek of stale breast milk and my crotch of loveless pussy juice / at night, my chores done, i'd conjure up jelly flesh, and hunt through the classifieds for the right eyes and vests...then afterwards emptiness and regrets....

there were two mes: the breast me and the rest of me; the breast me was amoral, deaf and blind; the screams of innocents could hardly cut through its fog; the rest of me was the kindest politest most superegoish kind of responsible all round nice guy you'd ever want to meet, genuinely compassionate but with the apparent achilles heel of timidity and situational low self esteem...   "
 
 inbetween breasts were nothng to me; i didn't hate them or like them any more than streetlights or pigeons; i saw their owners; i didn't reduce them; i sympathised if they posed halth risks; i saw the struggles of life written on the faces of women too busy with surviving and caring for others to be sex objects; i saw suffering and nobility, both of which are not easily sexualised. "

the breasts needed to be detached from life; they existed in a narrow timeless zone of bliss, free from responsibilities, enemies friends; here man met women in a facsimile of completeion; i always thanked my partners profusely and sincerely...thank you fr lending me your young lips, skin, tummy, legs , hands, nipples...thnk you for suh sweetness, lwys the feeling for this i was created, all else grey humdrum, in these moments, these meetings i just feel, i just am, i just be....