Wednesday, June 10, 2009

More potentially comic and satiric material

See also and

Australian Regulations/ Strangulations

Never go into the sun alone - always have a tanning buddy
don't drink and masturbate
never use your mobile phone without a SP30 sunscreen

Call centre skit #3

A man is eating a  hurried breakfast at a small breakfast table. he rises, kisses his wife on the cheek when she enters, what's on your agenda? I'm going to phone the callcentre and get the account sorted out....
she dials, gets the irritating optus music that they haven't changed for years and years, interrupted regularly by messages such as "the call centre is experiencing usually high volumes, we appreciate your patience and will be with you as soon as possible" she puts it on speaker and does the dishes, she hangs up the washing, sits down with coffee and does some stuff on her computer,
cmon she says, I need to go out
she does an exercise routine / stretches / runs on a treadmill/
mows the lawn...looks atthe clock it says noon, she has to go out.
reluctantly she hangs up, heads out to the car, sitting in the car, hesitates , then dials a no.on mobile and gets the same music through the blue tooth. She drops off a parcel, meets with a business associate, explains she's een holding for hours so would friend mind if she just leaves phone on, does some shopping, goes to the post office, picks up kids, gets home. its no 3pm. walks the dog, come s home agin it s 4pm she reluctantly ends the call. Brings in the washing , makes supper, dials the number again, supervises some homework, husband comes home, mends a button, asks her husband to be on phone duty while she showers,gets out of the shower, yawns, watches the news, they get into bed, husband falls asleep, the phone is still playing its music, she falls asleep with light still on, the phone falls from her hand to the floor.
 "hello, this is raphael, how may I be of excellent service to you today"


Public loos: a planning meeting, slippery seats and huge toilt roll dispebnsers placed at backbreakingly low heights

The Project - short story about the tenacity of resentment

Don't whine so much, sometimes you have to just have to work with things the way they are...
They work together on the project, put all thir energy into it, the school bully smashes it.

Quivering with rage the father has a meeting with the principal. "I want that monster expelled"
Its ok dad, i'm not upset about it anymore
but your p[roject, that you spent so much time and energy on...

Scenes from School Life: Sketch # 1

Parent teachers evening. A tired teacher keeps on glancing up at the clock mounted on the wall. Another teacher crossses to her:
"You still got a lot left to go..."
"Just one more. They were supposed to be here at 7:30"
(The clock shows 7:50) Pan off clock and then tilt down to a harried woman who rushes in, things spilling out o a green shopping bag she is carrying, she looks around, locates the teacher, and crossses to her
Sorry...sorry....there were these long queues, and I thought I'd left enough time but the traffic was also backed up...
Yes. Well please have a seat Mrs Camore
Liz, please, call me Liz. is Jake doing.
Well, to be perfectly frank...there are a few areas of concern. Perhaps the biggest one is tha he's invariably late. I don't think he's got to class on time even once this term ....
Late, I'm suprised. he's such a punctual boy. Could you excuse me for just one minute? In the huge rush here I din't get the chance to pop into a loo.
I'll be here when you get back
where is it, the nearest one
The teacher shows her. She goes, the teacher is left angrily twiddeling her thumbs....she waits...and waits...looks up at the shows 8 pm....the parent enters, spots another pair of parents and gets into a long animated conversation with them while the teacher looks disgustedly on, viciously bounces her pen on the table, then begins shredding some paper.
Eventually - when the clock shows 8:07 - she rises and crosses to the parent.
If you don't mind...we were discussing Jake's time management issue...can't think where he gets it from but I'm needing to go home now and...
yes, yes of course

Scenes from School Life: Sketch # 2

Teacher is talking to an ADHD parent about her ADHD child, but the parent is unable to concentrate, except to ocasionally mention indigo children, understimulated etc etc

The Jewish News:

At 2:30am this morning Iran was hit by a giant salami

I'm so happy to be off anti-depressants

When I drive I scan the road repeatedly
for cyclists
people turning right from the wrong lane
large breasted women


Man on a bus. (You know exactly the sort of man.) He gets up, rings the bell on the metal upright handrail, the bell falls apart, the yellow cover falls open, the red button falls on the floor. The man looks at the cover, starts messing about with it, trying to get it back on, awkwardly unzips a bag on his shoulder and removes a screwdriver. His bag bangs a nearby passenger, who shifts away, after an angry stare. He fiddles more with the bell while passengers try to get past him to get on and off. The bus driver is driving quite agressively, with flying starts and stops, and at a certain point harsh breaking sends our man flying so that he careens into another passenger and his screwdrive rips the dress of a third. Undeterred and resolute he straightens himself out, and retuns to his work. Passengers are beginning to grumble and complain, until the bus driver can no longer ignore the growing tumult. He cranes his neck to see our man busy with pliers and insulation tape and bits of wire. Hoy, leave that and sit down.
No, its no problem, I like to fix things..... and so on.

Dialogue between transplanted Jewish kishkes and Gentile lungs. Dialogue between Gentile alcohol soaked liver and Moslem lamb and coffee saturated spleen/ gall bladder. See also "Important Questions"

How much of a person can be transplanted before they cease being what they were? The Jew who was not. The Aryan who became. Could an Aryan accept an organ from a Jew, or would it render him/ her racially impure. Explore the comic-satirical possibilities of this.

Series of Clint Eastwood poses done by stand up comic - i.e. me - as action hero aged 30, aged 40 aged 50 aged 62, aged 75, aged 80, aged 90 and aged 106...the indestructible hero...but he is getting a little bent, and instead of clutching a 12 bore shotgun or a magnum, he now clutches a walking stick... a walker...etc.

Rules for living from Guy Suttner (aged 9): "never ask a person in a bad mood if their new shoes are comfortable because obviously they will say no." (How true.)

"That's Entertainment"

A family are seated around the TV set , watching the news. The anchor anounces that the H1N1 virus has reached pandemic proportions, and smiles at the camera, all cosmetically whitened teeth and robot like imperviousness. the family chortles in merriment. Then she moves on to genocide in Darfur, (the family giggles), a jet engine whose wing fell of (laughter), rise in unemployment, (delighted guffaws), etc etc. Then a piece on the dispossession and genocide of aboriginals in Tasmania. back to the anchor person, with her idiotic and inappropriate grin "and now for your weather" - family laugh, slap knees, convulse

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