"In response to the ongoing criticism from PETA and other animal rights groups, Consolidated Foods International would like to make the following statement:
Everything humanly possible is done to ensure the welfare of our cows. They are driven to the abbatoir in air conditioned buses while watching a large screen Blu Ray programme containg scenes of lush meadows. Hostesses serve various kinds of pasturage and alfalfa, and a complimentary trough of mineral water is made available to each animal. On their arrival at the abbatoir they are welcomed by our executive in charge of eradication, and ushers gently move them towards the executive lounge, where a range of sedatives, beta blockers and anti depressants are administered to our bovine clients. After some socialising in the lounge area, our relaxed cattle move towards the “mercy machine” area while piped music ensures that distressing noises will not startle the more flighty and drug immune beasts. And then they are hung on hooks and frozen, ready to be sawed into your favourite cut.”
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Picture the scene: a germophobic and prissy grandma has to baby sit her two fluey grandchildren – and she does so by keeping an elaborate distance from them, and histrionically shielding her nose and mouth whenever they get anywhere near her….punch line could be her donning a gas mask after they’ve sneezed on her one two many times…and then they run screaming from her in terror, or mom and dad come back home and she opens the door for them in a gas mak, and two their anxious questions responds in a muffled gas mask voice that everything is OK, then shows them the children cowering under their beds in terror
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