Notes towards 4 short films

A man wakes up in the morning, pads sleepily to his computer, tries to go online, the internet is down. He is pissed off, tries a few different things, none of them help, he dials the number of a call centre and gets piped music and is told he is number 347 in the queue. He keeps the phone on soft speakerphone and goes about his morning ablutions - makes coffee, drinks it, does some tai chi like stretches (or meditates), all the while keeping the phone near him...at a certain point he goes into the toilet, when he flushes he picks up the phone in a panic, imagining someone might have answered but once the cistern noises recede we hear the piped music again, indicating he's still on hold. He does his teeth, electric tooth bush in hand, phone in the other. Throught this whole sequence the main visual gags are some wild balancing acts as he keeps the phone near him. Once he's dressed, packed his bag. made his sandwiches whatever he steps out the door, gets into the car, carefully places the phone near him...he doesn't have a hand free and the car is sufficiently old to convince us this is appropriate..so he's driving along, gets to quite a crowded intersection...."helo....hello? says the phone" he grabs it, "yes, I 'm here, just hang on a moment "what's the problem sir?" CRASH...slow pan across him slumped against the windshield to phone on front seat "hello, hello, how might I be of excellent service today..."

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Footage (really shoul be called megabytes these days) of busy shopping mall- Bondi Junction would be ideal
Megs of terminal shopper in same
Toilet: same shopper vomiting over bowl
Megs of diners chewing the gristle
Megs of abatoir footage
What interactions will be revealing....

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Innocent cherubic young one looking up at tall old 'un
"We're going to have to improve your batting skills this season "
Cut to child in cricket nets holding outsize bat, in huge pads and helmet so that he can hardly move, while a variety of balls and instructions are thrown at him...starts slow, then cuts more and more rapidly.
If you're not going to make an effort I'm going to have to get tough with you
rugby balls, soccer balls, tennis balls, baseballs , cricket balls, while the child hugs the side of the net, then the objects become more absurd (visual gags) food, missiles, rockets, watermelons, bras and panties, flowers, confetti, bread crumbs (tashlich) etc...in some of these the child has a shield , in others they're now dressed in a rusting suit of armour, in some they hold a hockey stick, or are in inflatable fat suit,

...OS comments from manic ol un-parent-coach
hit the ball
mace it
bash it
bang it
gong it
crank it
what's wrong with you, never seen an RPG before???
When I was six I could hit a cannonball further than that
etc etc

cut to child hyperventilating at side of net, breathing into a paper bag, concerned parent leaning over them, concerned:
"it's just a game, no need to take it so seriously"
sshhh, there there
eventually the child calms down , their uncontrollable trembling stops, the tears in their eyes dry
"are you OK"
the child nods, blinking
"you absolutey sure"
the child nods more assuredly
"that's it my tiger"

cut to, the child is back in the nets, piling sandbags around the wicket, rolls of barbed wire leaning against the side ready for use

cut to the old un wheeling a roman ballistra into place, connecting high pressure water hoses, artillery pieces, tennis ball firing machines, staues that pee in a might arc, an enormous syringe, a small lava spewing volcano, explosive seed pods, etc etc anything and everything that can hurl a projectile
to be continued

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A day in the life of a teacher when that teacher is hungry for

a) sex
b) affirmation
c) food
d) intellectual stimulation

all ripe with comic possibility. For example teacher is marking a pile of exams, the exams are scawled in large poorly formed handwriting so that the teacher struggles to decode the unintelligible answers, or else can decode them and they are clearly hogwash both to us and the viewers; all kinds of mangled facts and half-baked opinions ( we know this cos teacher reads aloud inbetween sips from cup of coffee), then they cross to computer and go onto an escort agency and stare longingly at different prostitutes; shake their head, close the site, go back to their deadly dull marking, and then back to the computer, we cut faster and faster, so he's moving like a ping pong ball - which one will triumph ???- will he run screaming from the flat and head towards the brothel??? will he run screaming from the flat with his exams and tear them into little shreds and hurl them into the sea? will he slash huge red lines through them...will he meekly submit?

use of VO as teacher is going to work...his thoughts about all the women he sees...each one evaluated as their potential as a sexual object... should be a VO that at least men can recognise

This self same teacher phones a parent (rather hesitatingly) to talk about a child's poor behaviour, but (much to the teacher's dismay) the child in question answers, and refuses to put the mother on. The teacher cannot get past this obnoxious child. They phone again later, the next day, even when the teacher has manged to ascertain the child is at school, and phones, somehow the child is at home to intercept the call! The teacher sets their alarm clock to wake them at 3am, phones, the child answers! So the teacher gives up. "OK what do you want" says the teacher wearily. the child reads out a list of demands....

Alternatively, the child brazenly lies and always says their parent is not there, even though we can hear the parent saying loudly in the background "who is it Sarah?" or "who is it Gary?"

CUT TO

Eventually the teacher manages to meet the parent of the child.
Your child is sometimes very aggressive in class
No she's not (parent thrusts their face aggressively into teacher's face) maybe its because she's bored - all the children say they never do anything interesting in geography
Yes...well...I've had no complaints and really we're here to
Parent (interrupting) I'm not going to have my child victimised and abused. I'll take it up with the board if necessary. There are always two sides to any conflict and just because shes a child doesn't mean you can silence her
Mr Bent, I'm not trying to silence her...I mean..I am in class, if she's talking all the time while I'm talking, and if she throws pencils at the other children and doesn't pay attention .....
(The parent is yawning and reading an sms message on their cell phone and not paying attention)
I mean she sits with her back to me talking to another child outside the classroom
(the parent is waving at another parent outside the hall) Hey dave you going to the golf?

CUT TO