Thursday, October 16, 2008

Ketzarim Nosafim - more shorts

Scenario No 1:

Very polite besuited business man meets his doctor (who is of similar age and class and conditioning) in the waiting room:

How are you?

Good doctor. And you?

Well thanks. Come through (extends his arm, they enter into the doctor's room both seat thmselves)

Doctor: Family well

Yes thanks, Marge is in the UK at the moment, visiting her brother

Ah yes, Cornwell isn't it

Exactly. Excellent memory. Your family are all well?

Fine, James is deciding whether to change to actuarial science (more small talk until eventually)So what can I do for you.

Well doctor, the thing is....I've been dribbling a bit....also

Doctor: might be an enlarged prostrate ( as the examination becoms increasingly biological, the effort require to maintain the evasive small talk becomes increasingly supreme, so as the doctor has his hand in his clients bum and is feeling around they are both hard pressed to find futher topics of conversation.)

Doctor (eventually, still checking the prostrate) unusual weather we're having

Client: yes, rain at this time of year (he lets out a G-d awful fart)...sorry old chap.

Doctor: Hmmm...the blighter is slighly enlarged. Might have to do a biopsy just to check everything is shipshape. But you're strong as a horse. I'm sure everything is right as rain. But just to make sure. Anything else bothering you?

Patient. Well yes, one small thing..I had an unfortunate incident...won't elaborate...but seem to have picked up something on the old John Thomas, hurts like the devil when I pass water and

The Doctor is now examining his patient's penis and they've moved on to sport

Watch the final?

Yes, I think they deserved it

Especially with O connor playing like a bit of a dick

Yes, I alsways said they didn't have the balls to go through with it

Scenario 2. "Cleans so clear, you won't know its there"

Man watches infomercial for magnetised window cleaners. He's impressed, rushes out and buys a pair. As soon as he gets home he tries them out on his 3rd floor window. Of course the one on the outside of the window falls as soon as he tries to do a neat curve on the glass, and it drops down to where it bangs a large muscular man on the head, who picks it up and,in a rage, hurls it up and neatly towards the window the first man was trying to clean. Slow mo as it flies up into the sun and then descends like a first world war fighter, cut to interior, surprised man (who is unaware how the magnetised window cleaner has returned) watching first in delight and then in terror as it approaches, hits the glass and smashes the pane....

Scenario No. 3:

A very bustaceous young women is waiting in a busy doctor's waiting rooms. Eventually he comes through, holding a file, and calls out "Elena Mankowitz".

That's me says the young woman, and stands up. The doctor is immediately bewitched by her bosom, and can hardly tear his eyes from it (them.) He ushers her into his room, all smiles and pleasantness, and closes the door.

Please, please have a seat...or lie down if you prefer"

She sits opposite him, on the other side of his desk.

Right, what can I do for you today.

Well, doc, I have this fungus between my toes.

Any other funguses....vaginal.....(hopefully) breasts?

No. She shakes her head.

Any rashes under the breasts? Do you sweat quite a lot

Not that I've noticed. About my toe.

How old are you?


Excellent. You actually look younger. Weight?

56 kilos

Good, good. (Eyes her appreciatively.) You seem to be in excellent shape. Anyone in your family have breast cancer? Mom? Gran?

She shakes her head

Good. But I'm sure you do regular breast examinations anyway?

She shakes her head.

You don' really should. And you should have a mammogram every year
About my toe....
Yes, yes, I'll have a look can get undressed behind the screen
Doctor, I just want you to look at my foot
Yes, just remove your sock and your blouse.
I'd rather just take of my sock
As you like, but its much more difficult to accurately examine you through a shirt
Its these two (she thrusts the relevant toes under his nose where he gets a whiff of the ripe camembert smell)
Yes, he says, its athletes foot, you'll need quite a strong fungicide. I'll write you a script. I just want to check these two as well ....
He takes out his stethescope and places it on her breast. He listens intently. Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe Out

Are you for real....?

Of course.


Young man stands before Mac Donalds. Low angle shot of him, clouds skudding behind him, square jawed chin foregrounded, a stubborn hero. He's about to step in. Two angels hover on each shoulder. The one is a continuous stream af advetisong images - sizzling food carefully doctored by food stylists, happy white teethed families wolfing down tubs of freedom fries and battered chicken bits, two for one incentives, a sequence typical of the never never land created by ad agencies, their crass manipulations powerful because of the torrent, the sheer volume of them, so that everything that is unconscious in us is further hypnotised, lulled into an even deeper sleep where even as we eat the tasteless food which turns to sawdust the moment it has been wellchewed, we still lookforwards to the next bite, and indeed, we do temporarily forget our sorrows while the jaws are chomping in bovine fashion on the muscles of bovines...

he shakes his head , as if to cast of the mirages that beguile him, the siren song from the warm and lit up shop, where friendly staff entice him in from the loneliness of the wind swept seats...he shakes his head again, shuts his eyes tightly, turns his head the other way, now we see the repressed bits, the abbatoir, the blood being hosed down, the bored worker kicking the animal along, the machines pumping additives into the sesame buns, the oily greasy gears on the hamburger patty machine, the industrialised greyness, the growth hormones, the bored staff of pimply adolescennts and immigrants, the robot like regulation of the "quality", the loveless nature of food cooked anonymously and served anonymously, food without ritual or tradition, plastic food, the cockroaches hiding in the cracks who venture out at 3:45 am when the night staff are slumped on their stools and the police patrols are dozing in their cars....

He turns and goes away, away from the temptation towards reality...opens a can of lentils at home, goes onto his minute urban balcony where herbs are growing in old tin cans, harvests coriander and dill and some tomatoes, chops up onion in the kitchen, and soo has them frying in some ghee...

to be continued

Scenario No 5.

Busy staff room at school. teachers are marking papers, preparing lessons etc etc. One of them is having a VERY inapropriate conversation in a very LOUD voice so that the others find it increasingly hard to remain poker faced. Could be:

"Doctor Lee please...yes I'm phoning to get my biopsy its my entire rectum...OR

so the results are positive. Oh my G-d. And you're certain its the Ebola virus?

"So if its not ghonorhea then what are those pussy ulcers on the glans?

"I did not say your breasts are sagging, I said your stomach hasn't been the same since the ceasar, but that's not the reason for the affair..."

"If its not thrush or candida then why is my vagina so itchy"

"I did not rape you

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