Saturday, April 11, 2009

Anxiety 3:30am

At 3:30 am in the morning I wake up
sweating and regretting
a 45 year old who'se supposed to be a man
and have it all handled
a week of zoloft has made me dizzy and light headed
what will become of us
what will become of me?
I make myself a snack of olives and feta and salsa on matzah
(its Pesach), and read a book to calm myself and take my
thoughts away from the anxiety
until my eyes grow heavy and I can crawl back into my womb bed
how many others are there out there like me
suffering in private and plodding on in public
how can we imagine a different life for ourself?

(and yet I've done well....)

sometimes people seem so self sufficient
so wrapped up in their lives
their familes
I rarely felt complete unto myself
always searching for other molecules to connect to
in commune like structures
and this instability
is not allayed by "having"my own family
where is strength and how do I get into relationship with it?
how can I stop gazing at lit windows
as if only those who move behind them have warmth and life

how to resist commodification
when even resistance is commodified
and commodifies?

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