Saturday, March 31, 2018

Six degrees of separation Part V: creeping acceptance and surrender

Like most people going through a significant transition, experience is slowly teaching me, in little incremental steps, that life goes on.

Back on February 4, the day my wife phoned me and told me she wanted to come back to the house she had left, to be with our boys, and that I must vacate the house, a good friend had said to me (earlier) on that day

a) get your shit together Immanuel b)I am not a victim...I co created this situation over many years with my selfishness and willfullness and taking things and people for grantedness.

that was very important to hear, and remains a central part of my healing two months later

Lying here in a tepid bath of pain
trying to get that there's no one to blame
____________________________

I am afraid
that the silence will
swallow me
_________________


O son of Chavah and Adam
you do not need to be saved from the silence
Silence will save you

I and aloneness have been spending some quality time together.
__________

Ah my bride Presence
how beautiful your veils:

anxiety
fear
grief
anger
uncertainty
powerlessness
sadness


thank you
for the way
they part to reveal your
ever shifting beauty
___________

Into a mikvah of pain
I ascend
perhaps to be birthed
into love without end
_______________

2 comments:

Menachem Mevashir said...

Immanuel,

I am sorry you are in such pain. I too have had to recalibrate my beliefs.

I have finally abandoned religious fundamentalism as the onslaught of evidence from science makes it impossible for me to take the bible creation story literally.

I do believe in God and speak with Shim, but organized religion has become anathema to me.

I recall your days at Ohr Samayach when the other RSA students ostracized you for opposing apartheid. I saw then that you were a courageous person, your own thinker, and not willing to go along with the herd. It's a very high calling but also lonely and painful.

Respectfully,
Mevashir

Menachem Mevashir said...

check this out too: http://www.challengestogod.com/