Important Info I Learnt from the Internet - Please Share

If you get stung by a jellyfish
swim as fast as you can to shore and urinate on the affected area
if no urine is available apply a hot poultice of chammomile tea
or use two litres of battery acid per centimetre of sting
remove any traces of stingers or cystoblasts with a pair of pliers or a claw hammer
if the patient is not moving cut off the affected limb with a sharp knife
suck the poison out by applying your lips to the blow hole. be careful not to swallow any blood that may seep out from the stump.
If you have any welding experience, you may cauterize the wound if a blow torch is handy. Alternatively bathe the stump with a diet cold drink. This will sterilize the area and kill anything organic.
Try to keep the patient from twitching, as this may hasten the spread of the toxin.
If the attack occured on an isolated stretch of coast do not panic. remember there is always something you can do. Grab a lagerhead or leatherback turtle, wet it with a little ocean water, and place it on the affected area. This will numb the area, and possibly crush the patient, but the leather back will move off quickly enough. When it does use seaweed to make a tourniquet around your wedding finger, to prevent any unwhitting transmission of the virus. If driftwood is in short supply, make a fire from sea shells and burn the carcasses / paperwork / calories.
Make him or her as comfortable as possible until help arrives. Keep their head elevated and do not allow them to fall asleep.
You may serve them coffee but energy drinks containing guano should be avoided, unless they were sourced from free range albatrosses.
If you notice the patient's eyes closing tell them a joke. Tickle them. Read them an article from the newspaper. If the patient seems tense, it may be the onset of hyperthermia. in order to calm them down play them a little baroque music, or read them the meditations of Marcus Aurerelis. Reflexology can be useful, but do not overdo it as at this stage the person is likely to still be very weak.
If you have managed to capture the jelly fish put it in a biodegradable paper bag and add a pinch of worcester sauce to kep it fresh. The paramedics will need to know what make of jelly it is, in order to administer the correct anti-venom. Once they have identified it, you may release the jelly fish or consume it. However, only the pyrimidal jelly fish has a shelf life of more than three days.
Take the patients pulse every 2-3 seconds. Keep talking to them, preferably in a language they do not understand. This will stimulate the corpus collusum and make for better outcomes post surgery. When the paramedics arrive, give them a full psychosocial history and any witness statements you have been able to gather. If the patient has stopped breathing make sure you have noted the time of expiry.

Don't just lie there, buy something

Although you may think that almost every available space has already been colonised by advertising, for example the sky - skywriting, the walls above urinals, the sides of vehicles and the cityscape in general, the internet, media of every sort, films and tv shows (product placement), aid (for eg Anglicare and Worldvision and Caritas, who use philanthropy to advertise for their idea of "G-d") just to name a few, here are suggestions to better exploit currently wasted space.

a) Game reserves - each animal could be branded (literally and metaphorically) with the name of a corporate sponsor...eg this Zebra sponsoted by Investec, this rhino protectd by Falcoln Security, this tree proudly adopted by Anglo-Gold (could be gouged into the tree for maximum effect)

b) Coral reefs

c) Product placement in poetry

d) Relevant adverts projected onto the ceilings of post-op recovery rooms, eg for health insurance etc.

e)Safety announcements on planes, and announcements over school intercoms could all have adverts inserted into them

See also organic-advertising-or-foie-gras/

Subvertising

What if call centre operators were cast in adverts, so that the prduct was unintelligible?

What if real women were in washing powder commercials, instead of sterile bimbette-slaves with whitened teth and gym bodies whose entire sense of vocation is oncentrated in their role as family washerwoman?

What if all bran adds that "keep you regular" were filmed with happy custometrs on their toilets giving their testimony where it counts most

What if wills were read out as if they were Oscars?

What if infomercials were delivered with the cautious and measured double squeak of academic papers and academic papers were written with the hypnotic smiling blather of infomercials...

What if the ad agencies that come up with the names of medicines did cars, and vice a versa. So 4.5 litre muscle cars would be viagra, the latest model would be latecummer, fuelaway for a frugal hybrid, a staid family car would be dormicum, a low slung Italian beast Zoloft etc.

What if the galaxies are my cells and the stars are my atoms (then what do the atoms of the stars become, and what is the earth upon which my universe-body stands?)

What if animal rights activists started rescuing insects that had become trapped in spider's webs?

The Sydney Institue for Domestic Violence: Men helping men by sharing wife-beating strategies

See also
premises and
organic-advertising-or-foie-gras/